Kill Myself Tomorrow

Unlike any other disease that you can endure with the will to go on, depression strikes directly to your will to go on. But if you happen to find the strength to endure the pain, you won't find it rewarding. On the contrary, nobody will say to you “You've beaten the depression! Impressive!”. You will more likely find something like “Oh, you didn't committed suicide today. Duh. I've been not-committing suicide for all my life.”

Of course, everybody thinks of their natural circumstances. They do not count on what you feel nor how long you've been feeling like that. It is common to hear that “I've been depressed once, but I could get over it.” OK, right. They do not count that they have been depressed once (or twice, thrice, what matters is that they're counted occasions). And that makes all the difference. Think about that situation. But think of it lasting weeks. Months. Years. Imagine that you try to make something to change it. But you fail. Once. Twice. Thrice. And so on. Sometimes, doors won't open, they'll keep shut. There's only one open door, always open. But everybody thinks that is your obligation not to cross it. I mean suicide, of course. They even think that suicide is an egoist act. But how about thinking of it backwards? Isn't egoist to ask for a depressed person to stay in torment, when he only wants to get what nobody could gave him, a little peace?

And think about it. How many people commit suicide every day? I know of 4 people, one of them even a member of my family. After cancer, is the second death cause in my social circle. If so many people die from depression, perhaps it's not a so-trivial disease.

So, why do I write about this?

I've been thinking about suicide, yes. Lately, a lot. I've been thinking about many little details. So far, I've choose to live. But I've been lucky. Sometimes, under a depressive episode, you just can't think straight. And I know the hell of it, and I know that some people just lose the war, in disgrace and dishonor. I feel that's not fair. I would like to people become aware of this, so if someone comes to you talking about depression and suicide, don't judge him as an emo kid or an attention whore. Because the next time, perhaps he will be silent about his sorrow. And by being silent, perhaps in his next depressive episode he would make a wrong choice.